While I write this letter, I have someone specific in mind but I am sure it can pertain or relate to many other people at the same time.
When someone is growing up, getting ready to become an adult, not much seems to matter, or at least it didn’t to me.
I felt invincible when I was getting done with high school and getting ready to go to college. I didn’t care what another minor consumption of alcohol would mean on my record or a even a theft charge.
I wasn’t concerned about future employers, I didn’t care what my daughter thought (because I didn’t have one at the time), I wasn’t thinking about how it affected my mom, sister, or brother.
I wasn’t concerned about the permanent damage the drugs were doing to my body and mind, and if those drugs would eventually take my life at a young age, like they have done to so many addicts before me.
It doesn’t matter why you use, it could be because you are mad at someone or yourself, it could be your way of coping with a bad childhood or insecurities, or it might be because some bad shit happened to you and you are trying to forget or at least numb the feelings and find temporary relief.
However, I can tell you that unless you are looking to die or go to prison, you will not find whatever you are looking for in drugs.
That relief you are seeking, that salvation, that emotional stability will eventually come from something else entirely. You might have to go through a ton of bad shit, drug use, jail, prison, homelessness, being exiled from your friends and family, but in the end you will eventually have to get clean and face those demons, and if you think you can overcome them with the use of drugs or alcohol you are not there yet.
You probably have people who care about you, and some of you might not even have that, but you don’t know what the future holds. It might hold a life of love, financial freedom, and happiness. What you are doing now is laying the groundwork for your future, and the deeper you dig, the harder you are going to have to work in the future to get the hell out of the hole.
There is nothing anybody can say to you that is going to get you back on the right path, nobody can grab you by the collar, take you somewhere, and get you fixed.
If you eventually get fixed, chances are you chose to go get the help you needed, and you wanted to stick to whatever program or routine that helped you overcome your struggles.
Some people have to hit rock bottom, survive an overdose, experience an act of God, go to prison multiple times, and some can just wake up one day and decide they want to change.
In the end the person who changed, changed because they wanted to. You need to want to change. Not because someone else did everything in their power to force that change upon you.
I am telling you all this from the perspective of someone who didn’t listen to their parents, siblings, family and friends who cared. I pushed all those people away or at least kept them at arms length. That way I wouldn’t fuck their lives up too, and so they wouldn’t try stop me from doing what I wanted to do… use drugs, have unprotected sex, sell drugs, and simply be irresponsible, but man I wish I hadn’t. And guess what, no matter how hard you try keep those people away, you are damaging more of their life than you know.
You have two choices.
I chose option two, 10 years in prison. I will serve 7 of the 10. Went to prison at the age of 27 and now I will be getting out at 34 years old, moving back in with mom, the women who has been there for me every day of my life, and now I have to surrender and say, “Okay mom, my way didn’t work, what do you have in mind.”
There are people in here that say, the first 10 year sentence isn’t enough and they are going right back out to have some more fun, and maybe they will decide to change on the next time around, and they are praying the next one isn’t a life sentence.
So, whoever is reading this post, wherever you are in life, maybe you just smoked your first joint, drank your first beer, or maybe you skipped both of those and some real winner introduced you straight to meth or cocaine… maybe you are getting out of juvenile hall or finishing college, either way you have a choice to make.
That choice is yours to make and yours alone. Nobody can make it for you. But keep in mind the affects from your choices reach much further than yourself.
That is what I am finding out now as I navigate through my journey called recovery. And I hope some of you make better choices then I did. Cause this road isn’t fun.
I got faith in you. You can do this. And know, I’m here for you anytime you need someone to lean on. Good luck and thanks for listening!