I lived and bathed in the darkness of sin.
I was blinded by my own selfish wants and desires.
It disgusts me that I didn’t care enough, to realize the toxic environment that I created for my children, filled with alcoholism, drug addiction, and anger.
I neglected to foresee the dire consequences that my children would suffer, even though I had already lived through them.
Addiction is a disease, passed down through generations.
“Mike, come out here and join the party.”
“Son, go grab me a beer.”
“Take a drink.”
“That’s my boy.”
“Son, don’t worry about your mother, she should of known better.”
“Grab me some ice for my hand.”
“I told you to go get me some fucking ice.”
“Son, this is how you roll a real joint.”
“Go ahead and try some.”
“Light it up.”
The cycle of addiction continues:
“Michael, you have had enough.”
“Please, give me the bottle.”
“I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough.”
“Daddy no, you are hurting mommy.”
“Michael, don’t get drunk while camping with your daughter.”
“Don’t worry about it, I have it under control.”
“Baby girl, go get daddy a beer out of the cooler.”
“Dad I need to make some money.”
“Go get my bag of weed and the scale from the room.”
The cycle continues:
“Dad, I don’t know what to do”
“When my boyfriend is drunk, he’s verbally abusive, and I’m scared, but I love him.”
“Dad, my boyfriend beats me when he’s drunk.”
“How do I get him to stop.”
“Dad, my boyfriend is using meth.”
“Dad, I have to tell you something.”
“I tried meth.”
You might be asking yourself, how could I be so ignorant to the damage I was causing my children. To the traits or habits I was introducing them to. I mean they could go on and on.
I’m not going to make excuses for my actions. They were wrong and now my children are dealing with the consequences of those actions. I was told in treatment that our daughters may be attracted to men with the same traits as their fathers. (The sins of the fathers.)
First of all, I appreciate the honesty that my daughter and I have in our relationship today.
I truly value the fact that she trusts me enough to communicate these dark moments of her life. When she shared with me that her boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend, put his hands on her. The dark side of me came out after the phone call. My mind was racing with violent thoughts.
Such as, “Who does this mother lover think he is, putting his hands on my baby girl.”
“When I get out I’m going to break his neck.”
“Don’t these people know who I am?”
Just writing my thoughts out right now, I see how I am once again making it about me.
I have to ask myself, how is this helping my daughter right now? Also, when I have these thoughts, where is God? I have turned my back on him again.
As I look into the mirror with my mind raging with these violent screaming thoughts. A moment of clarity comes to me, as I only see my daughter’s ex-boyfriend in the reflection. She found someone with the same character traits that I once had or as you can see is still lurking within and waiting for a moment of weakness to come out.
I can now see that my daughter is looking for comfort, from what she may believe a man to be, and I am the man that presented such an image.
All she knows is what I have taught her, and that is physical violence, alcohol, and drug abuse.
She is now blessed with children of her own and it frightens me that those kids could be brought into this same dark cycle.
One of the valuable things I have learned in my recovery is that it is never too late to change. My children relied upon who I was then to become who they are now. So it is my hope that they can rely on who I am now to become who they were truly meant to be.
I can see that change through their actions, how they choose to love and forgive me, instead of living in or with resentment for the pain I have caused. I for one understand the strength and courage it takes to forgive those who hurt you. It took me 40+ years to forgive my parents.
I must make sure that I continue to do my part and stay true to the man I have become. Which you can read in my introduction post.
I am now a man with self-awareness, both for who I was and who I am today. I value my relationship with God and all that he has done for my family. I invite God into every relationship or situation in my life. So that I can bring and approach all with love. Now that God is in the center of my life, I can combat my self-destructive tendencies through him.
God is Good!