Why would I choose to self-destruct or sabotage something in my life?
That is a good question and something I wasn’t even aware I did until more recent. It’s hard to say why but I can tell you reflecting back now, I have done it my entire life. I guess I didn’t think I was worthy of success, there has always been so much self-doubt in my mind and for these reasons, I thought I better destroy this success before I possess something I don’t deserve.
Golf was the first thing in my life that I felt I was actually good at.
I won a couple of golf tournaments when I was 10 or 11 and I knew I was talented and that is probably why I told myself it wasn’t important. There wasn’t anyone in my life who tried to convince me otherwise at least at the time, so I guess that was enough validation for me. It wasn’t until years later that people wanted to tell me how disappointed they were when I threw my talents away.
This only left me thinking: where the hell were you back then?
I have done it in my relationships too, by pushing people away.
I did it to any women who treated me well and had my best interests in mind. I told myself they were boring and not worth my time if they weren’t trying to rip my heart out or sleeping with my friends behind my back (ya I know, much more exciting), then I wasn’t interested.
Maybe I enjoyed the pain or maybe I was looking for someone else to destroy my life because I was tired of doing it myself.
I wish I could tell you that I have sabotaged my professional career time and time again but that would mean that I actually had something that was worth sabotaging. That is not the case, I didn’t make it at Automatic Data Processing, I sucked at selling insurance, I used just as many drugs as I sold and even though I was one hell of a painter!
I couldn’t manage my own life how could I manage a painting business. Then you have the blog, the closest I have ever been to success and of course, it was already successful before I started sharing my story, but the other day I had a visit with my sister, where she tells me my writing is gaining momentum.
She tells me my views are going through the roof and are often viewed more time than hers. As I am listening to her praises and all the things we are going to do over the next several months and all the lives we are going to change when I get out, I start to think about different ways to destroy mine.
My mind doesn’t stop after I leave the visit and it affects my sleep throughout the night as I try to convince myself every reason why I can’t do this anymore. Maybe I shouldn’t work for the family. I could do something else and just write for her on the side.
She could be lying to me. What if I run out of material? The thoughts don’t stop and the next day I am sitting at work and my heart is starting to weigh a thousand pounds. My mind is telling me the only way to make the pain go away is to stop, cut and run, self-destruct!
What the hell is wrong with me; I am an addict that’s what’s wrong with me. I remember what Ben told me the other day, “The only person who is going to get in your way is you.”
I guess I am scared.
Thanks for listening,