When I started using, I thought it was all about having a good time, experiencing new things in life. What I didn’t realize until much later were the deep-seated issues my drug use covered up.
I wasn’t worried about that, and I didn’t really bother finding what those issues were until more recently when I started to go through the treatment program here at FPC Yankton.
At the visit with the construction2style team, I talked a lot about my use as well as my past. Both Jordan and Topher mostly knew me through my blog posts, and even though I had discussed both of those things in great detail, they still had a few more questions.
When I was talking about my use I talked about how dark of a turn my life took when the drug use took over the later years just before my indictment in 2012.
Early on, I was the life of the party in high school and college, and even the years right after college. I never wanted the party to end. And that is a big reason why I ended up selling drugs being I wasn’t immediately successful in the first job out of college, and instead of trying the next one, I took the money they gave me in my severance package, and I bought some drugs.
I guess you could say I took the easy way out, but what I saw is a way to make good money and maintain my lifestyle and have the freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted to do it, and what I wanted was to party. And even that was super fun, exciting, a little dangerous as I knew the consequences could land me in jail or worse, dead. But I was young and dumb and felt invincible.
I never thought much about overdosing, going to prison, or getting addicted to some of the new drugs I experimented with.
When drugs get a hold of your life they have a way of infecting it, the same damage they do to your body, eventually they will do that same damage to your way of living, thoughts and mind.
When I moved from Brooklyn Park, which ended up being a little too hood for me, and I moved to a high-rise downtown Minneapolis… I thought I was on top of the world and nothing could take me down.
What I didn’t realize is before that apartment lease would up a year later… I would be broke, homeless, addicted, and with almost nowhere to turn.
It got so bad that I would rarely even go out.
People would of course still come by for the free drugs because when I got high everything was on me and I didn’t have a care in the world. But they would still have to put up with my ranting and raving about how we are all pieces of shit that are going nowhere in life, and that is what I would tell myself and anyone who was using with me. I can’t even believe anyone came around and I still think about the things I said to some and regret my words, no matter how high I was there was no excuse to saying things like that to anyone.
I would sit there and play Call of Duty or NHL 2011 for eight to ten hours straight and whoever was doing drugs with me would say let’s do something, let’s go out and have some fun! I would yell back… it’s two in the morning…where do you want to go to Sex World and get some WhipIts?! Because at that point that was the only “going out” I was doing, that or a liquor store, which was connected to my apartment, and I wasn’t doing much eating those days other then Muddy Buddies or Cocoa Puffs and whole milk.
Here I was, wasn’t even two years removed from being a college graduate from the University of Minnesota; I weighed 170 lbs, over 35 lbs less than when I started.
I was more disappointed in myself, more so then all the people who I borrowed money from and never paid back combined.
I was depressed and bringing everyone down with me.
I thought at the time the only relief I could get was being high and hiding in my apartment, but I knew it wasn’t helping.
I am shocked I never contemplated jumping off the balcony of my apartment because it didn’t matter how much support I still had or how many people still came by, I felt like I didn’t have one friend or family member in the whole world that cared about me.
I can’t even put into words how dark that time of my life was.
Only those reading this post right now who have been in that dark place can even begin to relate.
So I guess if anyone reading this is there right now, I can at least tell you there is hope. It might sound crazy since I am sitting in prison, but I am ten times happier sitting here right now, then I ever was in that $1,500 a month apartment in downtown Minneapolis.
So hang in there, quit thinking about who you can turn to, and just have a little faith and take even half a small step in the right direction, and you’ll eventually get there.
Thanks for listening!