Hey guys,
Hope you’re all having a nice Sunday. It’s Noah here again, and I wanted to talk about forgiveness. We’ve had a lot of people privately message Morgan asking about forgiveness; whether it’s how to forgive others, forgiving themselves, and stating that I need to forgive myself first. So today, I wanted to take a break from the “why” of my story to talk about forgiveness.
Forgiveness has been a big part of my treatment in the program I’ve been a part of while serving my time here in prison. And this is something I would have never experienced if I would have chosen not to reach out to those who my actions affected.
When I was in the heat of my criminal activity I didn’t care who I hurt. I was reckless, and I thought I would clean up eventually, and they would come back around and everyone would forgive me.
I was wrong. And not ever once did I think think about the fact that I’d have to actually forgive myself.
I thought the same thing about the federal agents that were investigating me. When I cleaned up and moved up to Grand Forks, they’d forgive me.
As for my friends and family, I thought most of them would have eventually forgiven me and accept me back for who I once was, but I also knew there would always be something in the back of their heads, second-guessing me every step of the way.
This is something that I am thankful for. Treatment has encouraged me to reach out to those I have hurt, and ask for their input and offer them an opportunity to invest in my recovery.
I’ll be honest, it was another huge wakeup call. I was hurt by much of the feedback I was given, it was a combination of guilt and shame, but I also felt relief at the same time. Early on in the program, I shared some guilt that I harbored in regards to my brother. And a community member (that’s what we call fellow inmates, by the way) told me there is a very high chance that he has forgiven me and it’s probably time I forgive myself too.
I have a feeling many people struggle with forgiving themselves even after all other parties involved in the incident have forgiven the guilty party.
For me I was thankful that it was as easy as someone just pointing it out to me because I am not joking when I say, I felt a weight was lifted off my chest that day.
My relationship with my brother hasn’t been perfect after that point, and it still isn’t perfect today as he and I have plenty more to work to do over the next several decades. But he was right. My brother has forgiven me, and I doubt Jesse is sitting up at night thinking how big of a piece of crap his brother is. He just has high standards for me to live up to, and I’m committed to those standards to get our relationship back again.
This blog has also helped me in a whole different way, as I share my story, so thank you.
I have found out there is a huge audience that is ready to get behind me.
This could also be the same for many others if they allowed themselves to be vulnerable and ask for help or forgiveness.
A lot of people want to sit back and act like the past never happened. And that is completely fine, but that almost sounds like they are still sitting in prison.
I am choosing to take my past head-on, expose myself completely, and move forward.
These posts aren’t about getting even or exposing others; it’s about laying it all out there so I can forgive myself. I encourage others to try it, too; you might be surprisingly happy with the results.
Until next week…
From the inside,
Noah
