Hey guys, Noah’s from from the inside, Mike here again and picking up where I left off in my last post a couple of weeks back.
Guilt is defined as a painful feeling of self-reproach resulting from a belief that one has done something wrong or immoral.
As I reflect on the meaning of this powerful emotion, I’ve come to realize I have been living with guilt that was not mine to bare.
I allowed this guilt to consume me whole and bring me to a very dark and delicate place in life. At first, when my mother committed suicide, my thoughts were filled with confusion, trying to figure out why she did what she did. I remember crying myself to sleep with the words, why why why!
That is until my mind told me why – it was my fault.
Let me explain why I felt this way.
A few weeks before my mother committed suicide in my presence, she found the courage to leave my father and asked me who I wanted to stay with. I was seven years old at this time, scared and terrified of the consequences of leaving my father, and for that reason, I chose him. I told her that I was going to stay and have regretted the decision ever since, as I have spent the majority of my adult life thinking, what if?
She left at first, but then came back home because she would not leave me behind. Now I told myself if I only would have left when she wanted me to, she would still be alive.
“Why didn’t I choose to leave with you.”
“It’s my fault that you are gone.”
This is what I would tell myself; I guess at that point, you could say I was overwhelmed with guilt. Every time I closed my eyes to sleep, the night of my mother’s death would play over and over again.
I eventually replaced those feelings with anger and self-hatred.
I didn’t realize this then but I see it now. I developed the belief that “I didn’t deserve to be loved.” Anyone that tried to give or show me any type of affection during this time, I would push them away.
I started to isolate myself.
The abandonment continued. My father soon left my brother and me with my grandparents (my mother’s parents). I found a way in my distorted mind to back up the belief that “I didn’t deserve to be loved,” with my father’s leaving.
I hated myself, the world, and everyone in it.
Hatred is a powerful emotion as well. It blinded me from seeing the comfort and love God was bringing into my life at the time. The only comfort I was willing to accept at this point was from Maddog 20/20. That’s another chapter for another day.
I am going to sign off for now. It’s painful to write about the past. I do want to say one more thing though, to any of you that are hurting inside and are thinking about suicide, please seek help and think about the loved ones that you would leave behind.
Suicide destroys families, as you can see from what I have shared with you up to this point. Please try to see that you are loved, even by those you don’t know. Because I love you. If you know someone that is hurting inside take the time to reach out to them. Show them that they are loved, that their life has a purpose, and express the joy they bring to your life.