I had a conversation today on the topic of “self-worth” in regards to “self-confidence.”
And I think this may have been a bigger issue in my life than I previously thought and am now realizing.
I knew I had insecurities or lack of confidence issues growing up.
I mean, what kid doesn’t?
Even the ones that acted like they didn’t were just talented actors. In my opinion.
I didn’t hit puberty until seventh or eighth grade. So, I wasn’t off to a good start with self-confidence, I guess you could say. And what do you know, that was the same years I started to experiment with drugs.
Was I just experimenting, or was it deeper than that?
Was I masking my insecurities and covering them up?
I’ll be honest, nowadays I cover up my insecurities and flaws up with humor, and I put them out there before someone else can throw them in my face. Even until this day in prison, like I mentioned in one post.
Another thing that came up was being comfortable in your own skin, and that is something I couldn’t truly say I was capable of until the recent past.
Another conversation I had recently with a new friend who I often seek advice from on blog topics, was why I have failed at everything I have done in life?
He told me that based on my personality and drive there could only be a few answers to that question, and I am the only one who can determine what those answers are.
So I have been thinking about that long and hard, and it came to me today in the conversation about my self-worth.
My whole life, I have told myself I’m not competitive, and I don’t care if I win or if I succeed or make a bunch of money. But now realize that’s all bullshit.
It’s just something I have told myself my whole life, so when I fail, I have something to fall back on as an excuse for my failures, and it all comes back to that self-worth.
I have convinced myself that I am not worthy of things in life such as; talent, fortune, meaningful relationships just to name a few.
This doesn’t mean I know I’m going to get out of prison and be successful at everything I do any more than I know that I won’t ever touch a drug again.
But, I now know where to start. And I can start working to move past it.
I know I am never going to be six feet tall, my penis is done growing, I will forever be knock-kneed, and my head probably won’t shrink. But as I continue down this journey or soul search or whatever you want to call it, I do recognize my self-worth and look forward to the future and everything it has to offer. Because I know my worth.
Thanks for listening!